The Diary of May

                                                  
        
                                            

     THE DIARY OF MAY:

 TO YOU WHO HAS LEFT ME IN A WORLD OF TRADING LIES AND FALSE LOVE

Prologue

Alison Johnson was married to Brad Johnson for three years. The third year into their marriage she got pregnant, and a month later Brad died in a fatal car crash traveling from Manchester to their home in Coventry, England. His death drove Alison to near madness. Alison and Brad had dated for over ten years before getting married. This was because both their parents had opposed the union. Brad came from an upper class English family, and Alison’s family migrated from the Caribbean Island of Barbados. Brad owned the law firm  where Alison worked as a secretary.

31^st April 2006

My body goes numb. My heart beats a thousand times faster, my hands are shaking, and I cannot think straight. Your words flow in and out of my head as I try to block every thought of you; every moment we spent together, every word exchanged the warm touch, your kisses, and heartfelt embrace, now you’re gone, never coming my way again. Our love buried deep beneath the earth that soaks up the tears I cry every now and then. These thoughts of you will not disappear; they haunt me every minute of the day like a cloud of sorrowful rain over my head. The more I think of you, the closer I reach for a knife. How can you leave when our love has turned into a seed that lives in me and breathes life? Why could you leave me with a long lasting reminder of you? O God! Do I hate you so much right now? How could you leave me helpless to raise our child on my own? But still, I love you. I loved you each and every day we spent as a married couple. Now I lay you to rest deep beneath the earth where our love is buried. I pray that you still love me too even though you are beyond this world.

“Alison, Aliiiison” mother called, “it’s time to leave for church.” I dropped my pen, looked at the room where we spent years together, picked up my suitcase, and ran downstairs.  Everyone was there to say goodbye. I could not stay anymore. Everywhere I went in town reminded me of you, and our love. I said goodbye and left for church. My journey away from you began as I got on the train to London where I hoped my memory of you will fade away to a life of vibrancy and renewal.

5^th May 2006

I dreamt of the many nights that we spent together in true love; the brown eyes that watched over me as I fell asleep, and your chocolate skin that kept me warm. Knowing that you are no more kills me like venom eating through my body. Now these dreams slowly fade away and the sun of reality shines upon me as I make my way into this world of trading lies and false love.

 The night was young and my new friends had come over to take me out. I didn’t want to go out, I just wanted to sit on the bed and think of you but they were very persistent. I got into a long black maxi dress and went out for dinner with them. As we ate I could not help but remember the night you asked me to marry you. Slow love songs playing, the dark room lit with scented candles, a lovely dinner set in the middle of the room filled with strawberries and cream. We danced the whole night away, confessing our great love for one another as we did; I in my favorite pink dress and you in your Hugo Boss suit. “Could this night get any better?” I muttered as you took my hand and led me to the porch to watch the stars. As I looked on relishing each moment I saw a big sign in the sky asking “will you marry me?” and turned around to see you on one  knee, a diamond ring in your hand. Tears rolled from my eyes, tears of joy. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I said yes and that was the beginning of it all. We got married and started living happily. Every day I wish for us to have such nights but you just had to leave me helpless with a constant reminder of you growing in me.

10^th May 2006

Today I wrote a poem about you. This is it - my heart lies deep in the ocean that is neither cold nor hot, but longs for warmth. It swims left, right, and center lost in confusion. It floats steadily as if it were dead, dead from the dryness of your love that made it beat. I need your love to keep me alive, but it is buried with you deep beneath the earth.

15^th May 2006

I close my eyes, mind, soul, and heart to all the voices and my thoughts. I freeze my feelings toward mother earth. I clasp my hands together from holding on. I am letting go of everything, and everyone. I refuse to accept love and I refuse to love if it’s not you. I don’t want to feel, see, smell, or hear, if it’s not you. I refuse to know, to understand if the words are not coming from your mouth. I refuse to walk climb or fly if it not with you. I am going mad because you’re not here with me. I feel so lonely without you even in the midst of family and friends to the point that it’s pushed me away from them, and the world.

17^th May 2006

Today I got promoted at work and they threw me a party. I am now the editor of the Vanguard Newspaper, but you are not here to celebrate it with me. I have been thinking about coming to join you in the place beyond this world but this promotion came……. maybe I’ll wait………. Maybe I’ll see what life has got to offer. Mother said that your death is eating life out of me. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. My face is always gloomy. My mind, spirit, soul, and body are dying; and I am certain only your love can revive it.

I met Mrs. Brown our new neighbor for the first time today. She is an old widowed woman who just remarried. She talked non-stop about her first husband Andrew and how much she loved him. “The first night of our 45th anniversary, as old as we were, I placed my hands on his chest and felt his heart beat” she said, “it still went at the same pace as I had always known.” “Andrew always knew what I was thinking, and would often say it before I could utter it out. It would get me mad, but I love how he knew me inside out and I knew him the same” she continued. Mrs. Brown’s story reminded me of us. Our conversation lasted for hours as we exchanged pleasant stories. Around 8 o’clock I walked Mrs. Brown down the porch, and thanked her for sharing her love stories with me. After which I ran upstairs to our room and cried tears of sorrow that filled a dry ocean. I will meet you sooner than you think.


20^th May 2006

 Different thoughts are running through my mind. My words seem to escape me when I need them the most. They tease me by giving me sentences hour by hour, words minute by minute, and letters seconds by seconds. They roam around my head and laugh at me in my dreams. They appear friendly and willing, but disappear when I try to grab them. These words have become a burden to me instead of source of satisfaction and achievements. Tears roll down my face and sadness follows me around like clouds hanging over my head daily. I age as I have no words to fill me up, for they are the food that keeps me strong. These words leave me without and make my life a misery.

23^rd May 2006

I dreamt of you again last night. You were telling me something I could not comprehend, but I heard you when you said “I miss you.” It seemed you were telling me about the other world, the one you now live.

Work was the same as usual. I went to see Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet with my friends. They killed each other for love, which touched my heart. I bought three butcher’s knives from three different stores today. I will place one by my bed side, the other in my bathroom, and the last one on my television. I have been thinking of so many things, I can’t begin to tell it to you or anyone else.  It’s hard for these words to come out of my mouth or write sometimes.


27^th May 2006

I wrote a poem about death today.  It’s called “Death My Friend:”

Death lurks around the earth waiting to eat me up

 Death walks around and about like a bodyguard waiting to eat me up

 Death overshadows me waiting to eat me up

 Death holds my hands like my father does waiting to eat me up

 Death runs after me waiting to eat me up

 Death leads me like an instructor waiting to eat me up

 Death hugs me waiting to eat me up

 Death says he loves me waiting to eat me up

 Death washes me up waiting to eat me up

 Death lurks around me waiting to eat me up

Death sings me to sleep waiting to eat me up.  

I have come to realize that death is nothing more than a messenger of God. It seems to be calling for me, reminding me that I miss you, and you miss me. I will see you soon.

31^st May 2006
 Today I join you in the place beyond this world.

The Vanguard, London 4^th June 2006

Alison Johnson was found dead in her London home today at about one pm after her neighbor called the police reporting that there had been no movement in her house for the past two days. Alison was found with a knife pierced through her stomach, she was four months pregnant.

                                                                                                the lovepoet